I had been working with a team of brokers for 2 years. I wasn't just an outsider looking in. I was apart of their team. I had hit the height of my weight. I had never been so big before in my life. My knee's hurt walking. My back hurt when I stood too long. Just standing in one place caused my heart to pound and I'd start to sweat. I knew I wasn't healthy. My focus was never on me.
One of the brokers on the team (James) who I had watched in two years become a star, took me aside in conversation. He asked me if I loved myself? I said, I really don't know what you are talking about. He said, your weight is dangerous. Do you love yourself? Because I want you to know, this team loves you, the manager loves you, God loves you and I love you. You are a wonderful person who has worked selflessly to help us improve. Do you love you?
At first I was very angry. HOW dare someone say something about my weight. I can't believe he said that too me. For two weeks, I was very angry at James. I couldn't believe he would say such a thing to me. He'd pass me by at work, and ask if he said to much. I'd say, no. He was fine. But, I was in pain. I couldn't believe someone could be so mean to me.
After a two weeks of really pushing him aside. I really started to think about what he said. The answer was, I didn't love myself. I didn't see what everyone else saw. A caring, loving person, who'd do anything to help another. I was disappointed in myself for not doing more for me. James wasn't the person who caused my pain. It was truly me. I was the "mean" person who constantly battled myself. I'd diet, but I'd always end up quitting. I had to figure out why I did the things I did. I had to make a choice at that moment. How can I be accountable to myself tomorrow, today?
It took me 2 months to get a bit of weight off so I could excercise. Then I started going to the gym and walking in the pool. I went from walking in the pool to running in the pool. From there, I started walking in the park. I was learning to eat right. Learning who I was, and who I wanted to be. I loved playing sports growing up. I loved being part of a team. I knew that I had let myself down. How much of my life have I missed by not being able to enjoy the FUN things.
It has been a year and seven months since I started my diet. Today, I hit down 190 pounds, and a loss of 16 inches!!!!! Over a foot of me is GONE.. I'm not proud of my accomplishments. I am not happy for having to do this. I am still angry at myself for letting myself down. But, I am resolved to doing better. *I* want to do better, and *I* am doing better. I want to Raft the Colorado again. I want to summit all of the 14,000 foot Mountains in Colorado. I want to water ski again. I want to river surf. I want to scuba dive every ocean. Lastly, I want to feel good enough to do it whenever I want.
I know I will forever have ramifications from being my highest weight.. (I will honestly tell you all how much I weighed when I get closer to my goal weight). I know that my Mom being a breast cancer survivor, and myself being a heavy gal puts me in a high probability of one day fighting breast cancer myself. Because of this, I am going to walk in MANY Breast Cancer 3 days. 2010 will be my second, I did my best in 2009 and did over half of the 60 miles. 2010 my goal is to do every step!
I promise to myself, my friends, my family, my co-workers, and my poor gent who is going to have to put up with this, that I am going to walk the 3 day every year as long as my knee's hold up, and if they don't. I'll be wheeled around by those who have the stamina!
I own my life now. James wasn't mean, he is one of the best friends a person can have. I am blessed to know him, and thankful that God gave him a voice to be honest to me. I owe him for the kick in the butt. I thank all my friends who have been with me these last few years, who have heard me ramble on about a diet, working out, what I can't eat, and what I am eating. By telling everyone, I convince myself that I am accountable to you all too.
Lastly, if you know anyone walking the 3day encourage them. Support them. If you can give $$ so they can meet their goals of raising money in the fight against breast cancer please do! When I did the walk in 2009, I was pretty much alone. I was part of a team, but I didn't realize until the walk how close I would feel to some of the ladies. For 2010 we formed an incredible team called Colorado Sole Patrol. These ladies made such a huge difference in my life. For once I feel like I am not walking alone. Not only do I have the best cheerleaders, but now I also have some of the most incredible people walking side by side with me.